What I've done
by Guardian Number 6
Summary: WARNING: CONTAINS ALEJANDRO'S SUICIDE! ...Now that I'm done with that, this is STRICTLY a twoshot, and rather short. Songfics. Would rate M, but then no one would see it...moderated sad face...
1. What I've done

_In this farewell, there's no blood, there's no alibi._

I held back bitter laughter. I wished there wouldn't be blood. But this was the quickest, least painful way to do this…without mangling my body too terribly, that is. Every man, boy, woman and girl who left before others saw fit in my family had an open-casket funeral. Blowing my brains out with a gun, for example, wouldn't be such a great sight for my final viewing.

'_Cause I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies._

I'd lied to millions of people. Contrary to what you may think, I have a conscience; which I had disregarded blatantly during those months, and for what? To be pushed (painfully, I might add) down a volcano by my one love? To win a prize that was useless for the fact that love and happiness were priceless and couldn't be bought?

_So let mercy come and wash away what I've done. I'll face myself. To cross out what I've become. Erase myself. And let go of what I've done. _

_Put to rest what you thought of me, while I clean this slate with the hands of uncertainty._

Like I said; I have…I had…a conscience. I truly had loved Heather. I regretted my actions in that horrible game…I thought of myself as a monster, forever living in my older brother's shadow. I'd tried to apologize…to all of them I could reach, but from very few was I forgiven. I'd tried to leave a clean slate, but in all fairness, it's understandable for them to hate me.

_So let mercy come and wash away what I've done. I'll face myself. To cross out what I've become. Erase myself. And let go of what I've done._

_For what I've done. I start again. And whatever pain may come. __**TODAY**__ this ends. I'm forgiving what…I've…done…  
>I'll face myself. To cross out what I've become. Erase myself. And let go of what I've done.<em>

**[A/N]: I've had this in some deep, dark corner of my documents for a long time…aka, about a week. But that's long for me. Stinkin' writing projects… It was originally going to be a oneshot, but, in order to follow the lyrics of the songs, I'm making it a two or threeshot (one shot, two shots, three shots, four shots. All I hear is gunshots; this is where the fun stops! Bodies Drop, hit the floor, everybody hit the door! Somebody's lickin' shots off!) (If you can tell me where/who that's from/by, you are officially amazing).**

**I'll be using "Tourniquet" next chapter. It just consists of his death…fun; I know…actually, it is xP**

**This will probably only be a twoshot. Unless I get a request to do a funeral…but I probably won't, I hate funerals; they're boring! I mean no disrespect to the dead and all, but if we're 'celebrating their life', why is it so…dreary? **

**Before I'm asked, these are NOT my own emotions, trust me! I can't lie to people without wondering what they'd say if they found out the truth… Let alone be anything like what I described. **

**~CynicalSquid~**


	2. Tourniquet

…**Sorry this took so long. I've been drafting other fics for a while… I really think I should make a Total Drama one using "Monster" by Meg and Dia (go look that song up right now)…But I'm blank on what character to use. Any suggestions? None of the new cast please! Here are my top character ideas, but I REALLY need suggestions:  
>Alejandro (again)<br>Heather  
>Duncan (…I hope that I don't need to explain)<br>Gwen  
>Courtney (I could see it)<br>Chris ("Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams"…)  
>Noah? I could kind of see him taking on a somewhat evil role…<br>I'd prefer to do a guy, but I could see using a girl. (That's what she said)  
>Anyways; let's get to the suicide on the agenda! I will be doing the funeral, as suggested by I'll Cover Angel and Collins…I will be using a song for it, but it's a surprise :)<strong>

_I tried to kill the pain…but only brought more…  
><em>I'd been wrong; it **hadn't **been the quickest way, and easily one of the most painful. If I hadn't been in so much pain, I might have laughed at the current weather; heavy rain. Not storming, not quite a storm, but just enough to wash my cold blood off the street outside. Oh yeah, I'd jumped out the window of my bedroom…I lived in a penthouse with my family.

_I lay, dying, and I'm pouring crimson regret…and betrayal. I'm dying, praying, bleeding…I'm screaming.  
><em>I hadn't intended to make a scene…but the pain was too much to bear. Screaming seemed to be a release. Believe it or not, my family was Christian, and I was no exception. I prayed every prayer I could think of. I wanted my pain to end.

_Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?  
><em>I'd done some horrible things in my lifetime. Not even just on the show. I was a horrible person, but had God given up on me? Impossible; He gave up on no one.

_My God, my tourniquet; return to me, salvation. My God, my tourniquet; return to me, salvation._

**[A/N]: I'm skipping some, here. Just 'cause. **

_I long to die!_

_My God, my tourniquet, return to me, salvation. My God, my tourniquet, return to me, salvation._

_My wounds cry for the grave_

I'd gotten quite a few gashes. Both when I hit and on the way down…I hadn't exactly thought of the tree outside my window… They were, well, painful, obviously.

_My soul cries for deliverance. Will I be denied, Christ? Tourniquet…_

"Alejandro?" I heard a woman's voice cry out. I forced myself to look up. The Blessed Mother. I blinked, but when my eyes were reopened, it was just my own mother standing in my path. I didn't know what to say as she tried to pick me up. The last emotion I ever felt; guilt.

_**My suicide**_

**[A/N] Omg, that was **_**short! **_**And cliché near the end, too. Yep, I'm definitely 13. Oh yeah, I'm 13! Aren't I dark? Lmfao. I'll be turning 14 in 16 days; but I'll be on a cruise, so don't bother wishing me a happy birthday; I won't get it until I'm back in April. Yes, I mentioned God this chapter. Problem? I don't care. It's about time I was more proud of my faith. And besides, this song mentions Him quite a bit. I warned you that this was what I'd be using, and if you knew it/looked it up, you would have known.  
>Next chapter…soon? Idk<br>Fair warning, Noah is an ass next chapter…no, really. …Unless I use someone else for the role I've chosen him for, but you know. **


	3. 5000 ways to die

**[A/N] *Hits head against wall repeatedly* Thank you; I'll cover Angel and Collins, for alerting me of my updating error. You guys are just lucky that I didn't update it Wednesday, like I wanted to, which is the day that I leave (6:30 pm Northern American Eastern time! WOO!), and wouldn't have access to a computer (much less my own) until April 1****st****.**

**This chapter is in Noah's point of view, just because he's one of my favorite characters… But my other favorites are Heather, Gwen, Leshawna, Chris and DJ.**

_There must be 5000 ways…to die. And each one ends the same way if you try. Your friends all stand around while they dump you in the ground._

Chris had made us all attend Al's funeral. That awesome contract; I always wanted to pay my respects to that slimy eel. So we all got to sit in pure bliss with a dead corpse. Along with all of the awesome people I'd been forced to compete with.

_And the people who loved you ask "why? Oh why? Oh whyyyyy?"_

I raised an eyebrow. Now **that** was something I hadn't expected. Heather wasn't even **trying **to hide the fact that she was crying. Nor did Courtney, who sat directly behind Eva, Izzy, Owen and I. I looked around. There were a few familiar faces, mainly those of the other 'campers', but there were even more people I hadn't known. Of course, this was to be expected. His family, old friends, family friends…etc. Oddly enough, almost everyone was in tears. I was confused. Who would miss **Al?**

_And the bastard you hated the most will stand up and give you a toast. _

While she may have been evil, Heather was hot. And on the rebound now that Al was out of the way. This was my chance. I stood up and lightly drummed my spoon against my glass; everyone looked up from their meals.  
><em>He'll say: "We were such good friends, especially near the end"<em>

"Al and I…Despite what everyone thought, we were great friends. Especially near the end. I just wish…I had known that he…" I broke off in a fit of fake hysteria and excused myself. I noticed Heather watching me go.

_The he'll feel up your girlfriend in front of your ghost_

I soon sat next to Heather in the showing area, an arm around her as she sobbed into my chest.

_So get in your car and drive real fast, up in the attic with a shot gun __**blast**__. Take a bath with a clock radio. Vodka and valium overdose. Have you ever tried? There must be 5000 ways to die. _

_And if you're very lucky, you'll get your picture in the paper on page 3. 25 words will summarize how you spent your whole damn life. _

Alejandro Buerromuerto (Picture of Alejandro used for the TDWT promo thing)

"Son of a Spanish democrat, Alejandro was always one of the most charming young men you could ever meet. Died suddenly, his soul finds peace."

_One day on the page, next day into the hamster cage, cage!_

_So get in your car and drive real fast. Up in the attic with a shot gun __**blast**__. Take a bath with a clock radio. Vodka and valium overdose. All the glamor can be yours, with a loaded .44  
>Have you ever tried?<br>There must be 5000 ways to die!_

We all sat in the chapel as the organ played a horribly dreary tune.


End file.
